In the past I have struggled with being my true, authentic self. The thought of telling it as it is or being the real me and not being accepted  was torturous. So, I pushed me down. I kept pushing and pushing until eventually the "un-real" me had no choice but to come up and out!

During a Vesuvius type eruption, I was forced to take a long, hard look at the person I was at my core. I needed to learn how to put myself first and listen to what I needed. I could no longer move forward in the direction that I had been. It was time to be me.....totally, completely, genuinely.

What I found post eruption was not all rainbows and butterflies. Placing my needs first meant that I would have to cease the one thing I have always done.  Putting others needs before my own....people pleasing.

I was a chronic people pleaser. Essentially, a people pleaser does everything for others and nothing for themselves. I placed the needs of others before my own. I loved others more than I loved myself. I moulded myself into a billion versions of me in order to make people feel better or hurt less or feel happier. And it occured at the expense of my own happiness and emotional wellbeing. The hardest thing for me to learn was how to love myself and place MYSELF at the centre of that love.

To truly love myself, I needed to work out who I truly was....at the deepest level. And, as a chronic people pleaser...it was difficult for me to know how.  As I became more focused on me and displayed changed behaviours I could see that people couldn't relate to me anymore. I wasn't the person they knew me as. I wasn't what people needed me to be. What I had always been to them. A chronic fixer upper-er, the make things better-er, the all is ok even when it isn't person.

It takes courage and is bloody scary (think being face clawed by a baby dinosaur) to make the decision to be true to yourself and learn about who you are at your core. To stand up and say no to the people you love because essentially, you need to love yourself more.
I could no longer pretend that I was ok. I had to look my inner demon in the eye and say, "Show me" and it showed me in all my raw-ness. I did not like what I saw. I was insecure, ashamed, weakened, alone and fearful. Seeing my truth was uncomfortable and felt like I was having my eyelashes pulled out by a gazillion tiny scorpions!

Over time, my inner turmoil has diminished. I have experienced myself at a deeper level. I am a different version of myself. I am stronger and better able to say what it is I need because I am my first priority. I am changed and once you go through life change, you can't "unlearn" it. It becomes part of you.

I can now accept that it is not my responsibility to "fix" everyone or prove my loveliness.  Its my role to love and be kind to myself, to accept my flaws and forgive my mistakes (easier said than done btw). I am embracing my flaws as gifts to learn from and my strengths as foundations to build from.

Do I love myself? Yes, with conditions. For now. I still feel the need to gloss, fix, band aid, make better and place my needs at the end of the pile. I am learning to resist those behaviours and place my needs as a priority. I am on a path of loving myself unconditionally, as I am.....true to myself, authentic and an absolute non people pleaser (cue applause/happy dance)....and for that I am pleased.

J.O.Y. Small word. Big impact.

This is my go to joy list. A bunch of things that bring me joy. I usually access these anytime I'm feeling "un-joy-full."

Here 'tis:

❤ Draw pictures on the steamed glass of the shower. Love hearts and smiley flowers/sunshine are the current trends
❤ Look up. Look at the stars, the moon, the sun. There is so much wonder and beauty up there!
❤ Walk barefoot on the grass
❤ Find cloud pictures
❤ Write inspirational quotes and place them all around the house
❤ Name my pot plants. Vera and Harvey are new additions to my plant family
❤ Walk on the beach
❤ Go on a feather hunt
❤ Colour in. I love my adult "art therapy" colouring in book
❤ Eat chocolate
❤ Eat ice cream. Often. I love eating it like I am 6 years old again
❤ Have flowers delivered to myself and place them in little bitty vases all around the house
❤ Laugh....tell a funny joke, watch a funny movie, watch stand up comedy skits
❤ Watch Sesame Street clips on YouTube. Ya gotta love Kermit...and Elmo...and Big Bird...and...the list goes on
❤ Read an inspirational book
❤ Take funny face selfies
❤ Take myself on a date
❤ Learn something new...I am currently learning how to quilt!
❤ Do something I've always wanted to do. Currently tackling reciting the alphabet....backwards!
❤ Walk around the house in my knickers. Throw a bit of dancing in there while I'm at it
❤ Doodle
❤ Pet an animal. I don't currently have a pet (cue tears), but I get a sneaky pat in with a strangers dog whenever I can
❤ Take myself on a day trip
❤ Call a friend who lifts me up and is super amazeballs plus plus
❤ Get a massage
❤ Soak my tootsies in a foot bath
❤ Sleep in. Lazy Sundays are my thing....we're talking super sized lazy
❤ Hug a tree. They are so wonderful. They deserve our love
❤ Hold a baby. They are the closest things we have to Angels on earth
❤ Do something from my Bucket List
❤ Tell someone I love them and tell them often
❤ Eat somewhere new
❤ Hug, hug, hug, hug
❤ Smile at a stranger
❤ Practice a daily act of kindness (good for the soul)
❤ Write a daily gratitude diary
❤ Sing loudly, proudly and (mostly) badly to very loud music in the car
❤ Make a scrummalicious dessert
❤ Wear something bright and colourful
❤ Book in a facial
❤ Pay someone a genuine compliment
❤ Play games. Hopscotch is my personal favourite atm
❤ Exercise. I never thought this would make my Joy List! But, I have managed to find exercises that I enjoy and help restore my zing
❤ Look out the window
❤ Paint my toes a pretty colour
❤ Go on a holiday....very joy-full!
❤ Look at a very pretty man pic....still can't get past Brad and Channing and Ryan and Adam....this list could also go on....
❤ Buy myself a pressie
❤ Be a pen pal (olden day snail mail style)
❤ Remind myself of how totes fantabulous I am!
❤ Smile!
❤ Rainbow gaze
❤ Hang out with little people. The way they view the world is uplifting and inspired

What will you do to bring daily joy to your life?

There are only so many times you can react to what someone says or does and take it to heart before the heart and your inner self start to suffer.

I have been rocking this kind of heart ache for as long as I can remember. I have taken things personally and told myself that it must mean they I am not liked. I'm not good enough. I'm not loved.

The pressure of carrying those feelings around 24/7 is immense. It's a burden. It feels as though you are always in a state of hyper alert, waiting for the next attack on your heart. That's where my little 'Love Warriors' camp out with their love heart bows and arrows...but sometimes they're just too tired to fight.

After 40 years of fighting, I have no fight left. I no longer want to be in this alerted state. I don't want to feel that level of constant pain anymore.

So, how do you change a life time habit of not feeling good enough to feeling like you are the shiniest, brightest star in the sky? Good question. Needless to say, it is a work in progress. Here's the short (give peace a chance) list:

- Get to the real source of why you feel this way. Dig deep. We're talking archaeology style. Excavate and get down into the pits. These deeply engrained feelings are usually developed in childhood or through a traumatic experience. As a child, I don't remember being asked for my opinion, asked how I was. I don't really remember being asked anything. I don't remember being listened to. It was more a seen but not heard kinda thing. This lack of acknowledgement has led to a lack of self worth and self love.

- Consider your beliefs about yourself. Our beliefs take shape in the early formative years and are usually mirror images of our parents beliefs. They can also come from teachers, friends, an authority figure or any one close to us. What people may not know is that beliefs are only thoughts. They are thoughts about what you believe and as Louise Hay eloquently states..."thoughts can be changed."
Every belief we have can be shifted. Hold the phone I hear you say. Shocking but true. "I'm not good enough" can easily be changed to "I am important, valued and super special."The tricky but most important step is to believe it. Those default, sneaky childhood beliefs will try to make their way back in. It takes persistence to change and most importantly, believe in your new beliefs.

- Face the issue head on. A very wise person once told me that if you place a rotten apple in the bottom of a barrel then pile juicy red apple's on top of them until the barrel is full, the juicy red apples will eventually turn rotten too. It's the same as our thoughts. We can shower positive affirmations on our negative thoughts until they are water logged but until we recognise the issue...the rotten apple, look it in the eye and face it head on...the rotten thoughts will remain. The pain will persist.

- Feel the feelings. This is a big one! In order to move forward, I have found the following to be most effective: firstly acknowledging the feeling, then accepting it, expressing it and releasing it in a healthy way. We've all heard of the adage, " What we resist, persists." Yup. Enough said.

Every day is a new day. A day to accept, move through and move forward. What is placed on our path is an opportunity for learning and growth. It is definately a work in progress. Is it easy? Ummmmmmm, no. Is it worth it? Yes sir-eeeeee.

I consciously remind myself every day of my worth. That I am the most amazing version of me. That there is no one like me in the entire Universe. It is only then, when accessing complete self acceptance and self love that the actions and words of others have little effect anymore. The default responses are no longer ones that cause pain and heartache but learning and gratitude. That's about the time that I realise that the WTF's can be transformed into I❤U's.

Tough Love. This is the love you receive that is often uninvited but it's given for the greater good. Then there's self-love. Self-love, is learning to love yourself.
Learning to love myself has been my tough love. Being loving towards myself was initially uninvited. It was not welcomed. It felt uncomfortable, unnatural. It felt plain weird. But, I kept going...for the greater good.
I knew that without building a deep and loving relationship with myself, it would be impossible to attract or accept love from someone else. So, I needed to learn how to do this or else nothing would change.
But how? How do we love ourselves? How do we embrace the person we are completely and unconditionally? It seemed like such a daunting task. Especially when I was so used to beating myself up, berating myself and giving myself a hard time for the littlest of things.
For me, the self-help approach was most effective. I thought about the things that I wasn't quite so proud of that I could tweak. I thought about the best version of me that I wanted to be. The me I would be proud of. So I set about doing the things I thought I needed to do to get there.
My codependent behaviours featured high on my "to tweak" list. I read, I googled, I journalled, I cried, I became a hermit, I healed, I did self-help exercises, I read about people's stories. And slowly the love grew.
As my self love grew, I started to challenge myself further. I set myself daily challenges. Everything from a "speak up challenge" which required me to avoid placing the needs of others before my own to a "one thing I love about myself a day" challenge.
At first it felt as though someone was sticking a fork in my eye! It was VERY uncomfortable. Then something started to shift and I noticed a change. I started to feel lighter, happier, flow-ier. I was starting to love myself.
From here, it all snowballed (in a totally good way). I began to question my beliefs about myself. For every negative, limiting belief I had, I changed it to a positive, uplifting one. I found that I was listening to my self talk and paying more attention to the way I was treating myself.
After some time of what I like to call BTT (Behaviour Tweaking Therapy-my own term), positive affirmations entered my life. I began to change my thought processes. With this came some of the toughest work I have ever had to do. I started mirror work and established a relationship with my inner child through letter writing. It was this deeper therapy that moved mountains.
And so, here I am today feeling more love for myself, more fulfilled and more at peace than I have ever felt before. There are still times when Negative Nancy pays a visit but the difference is that she doesn't stay long. She knows she is an unwelcomed guest.
Its been tough. Very. It's been tough love. But it has been so worth it. I have noticed that loving myself more and changing my attitude towards myself has seen others treat me in a more loving way. I am also attracting more loving experiences in my life and happier, more loving people. And the most amazing thing I have discovered? That self-love isn't quite so tough anymore.

As I step off the train at Codependent Ville I realise that I am the only one to get off at the station. On the platform before me I see all the people of my past and present. All the people which have experienced my codependency first hand - ex boyfriends, family and friends. And I see me....codependent me. I know this me very well. This me people pleases, this me puts the needs of others before my own, this me does things for others in order to be liked, this me worries about what other people think.

I spent a long time being completely unaware of this me. I know why, it was not a me I liked or was proud of. Looking back I have always been this way although I didn't know it at the time. This me will still visit from time to time. For a long time she was an unwelcomed guest. Now, I recognise that this me is a part of the person I am. I am the person I am because of my upbringing, my values, my experiences and I wouldn't change that for anything.

This is what I know about codependency. Codependency is loving someone more than you love yourself. Codepenency is placing someone's needs before your own. Codependency is saying yes (when you want to say no) out of fear that you won't be liked or accepted. Codependency is looking for outside validation. Codependeny is losing sight of your true, authentic self. What I also know is that you cannot love yourself when you are in a codependent state. When you are in this state you place everyone else before the most important person in your life....you. When you put everyone elses needs before your own you are failing to do one of the most important things. You are failing to love yourself.

I have learnt a lot from the codependent me. That she was scared, that she felt unloved, that she was fearful, that she needed to feel in control in order to feel safe. I have also learnt that by challenging these behaviours that I am happier, more relaxed and a more authentic version of myself.

And this is what I know about 'no' dependency. No dependency is liberating, it is uncomplicated, it is a place of sunshine and rainbows and I feel happy and light when I'm there.

It is definitely a work in progress but I much prefer it here. For me, living in No Dependent Ville is a happier place to be but it is hard work every day. I need to make a conscious effort  to say no when it would be much easier to say yes. I need to put myself first above anyone else. I need to love myself enough to let people see the true 'warts and all' me and (try to) be completely 100% ok with that.

What I know about living in No Dependent Ville is that overall, I respect, value and honour myself more. It would be easy to revert back to that familiar, codependent place I know so well. But, I realise it is much easier on my heart in the long run to resist going there in order to obtain true happiness and above all, unconditional self love.

Love. It sounds simple. Four little letters, one little syllable. Giving love, receiving love, observing love, recognising love. It definately sounds simple enough. It's even used simply. You can love elephants, love a ($600!) pair of shoes, Iove eggplant drizzled in honey. It's simple enough to use love to describe how you feel about objects, experiences or even food for that matter. It's not so simple when we apply it to ourselves.

Self love. It's not so simple I've discovered. In fact, it's very complicated. The hardest love of all to achieve is the love we have for ourselves. Warts and all love, absolute love, love for the icky stuff, love for the shameful stuff, love for the shiny, joyous and happy stuff. Unconditional, no matter what love. 

For me, the road to self love has been a rocky one indeed. When we come into this life we are shiny and new. Completely unspoiled. We are loved unconditionally, no matter what. Over time, that love can become judgemental and tarnished. It can become conditional and hurtful.
This is the love that comes with a voice. That inner voice inside us that tells us we can't, that were not good enough, pretty enough, important enough.

The rockiest part in developing my self love has been the influence of my inner voice. It has berated me, guilted me, abused me, hurt me. It has called me names, isolated me. It has given me grief for the simple act of dropping a spoon. A spoon!

Thankfully, there came a time when a shift occurred. When amongst all the pain, grief and negativity a little seed was planted. A little seed I like to call the love seed. Little by little I watered the love seed with understanding. I fertilised it with kindness. I sunned it with warm hugs. And my love seed grew. And it grew. And grew.

And so a blog was born. This blog is dedicated to my love journey. The journey I have travelled and continue to travel. On this journey there have been some loving and joyous destinations. There have been destinations that have been cold and unwelcoming. The inhabitants and climates in these destinations have varied. Each one with their lessons to impart. This is my journey. A journey I wouldn't change and am so happy to travel. I am just as happy to be along for the ride. So I'm jumping in, I'm buckling my seatbelt and I'm continuing forward. First stop, Codependent Ville...population, me.