As I step off the train at Codependent Ville I realise that I am the only one to get off at the station. On the platform before me I see all the people of my past and present. All the people which have experienced my codependency first hand - ex boyfriends, family and friends. And I see me....codependent me. I know this me very well. This me people pleases, this me puts the needs of others before my own, this me does things for others in order to be liked, this me worries about what other people think.

I spent a long time being completely unaware of this me. I know why, it was not a me I liked or was proud of. Looking back I have always been this way although I didn't know it at the time. This me will still visit from time to time. For a long time she was an unwelcomed guest. Now, I recognise that this me is a part of the person I am. I am the person I am because of my upbringing, my values, my experiences and I wouldn't change that for anything.

This is what I know about codependency. Codependency is loving someone more than you love yourself. Codepenency is placing someone's needs before your own. Codependency is saying yes (when you want to say no) out of fear that you won't be liked or accepted. Codependency is looking for outside validation. Codependeny is losing sight of your true, authentic self. What I also know is that you cannot love yourself when you are in a codependent state. When you are in this state you place everyone else before the most important person in your life....you. When you put everyone elses needs before your own you are failing to do one of the most important things. You are failing to love yourself.

I have learnt a lot from the codependent me. That she was scared, that she felt unloved, that she was fearful, that she needed to feel in control in order to feel safe. I have also learnt that by challenging these behaviours that I am happier, more relaxed and a more authentic version of myself.

And this is what I know about 'no' dependency. No dependency is liberating, it is uncomplicated, it is a place of sunshine and rainbows and I feel happy and light when I'm there.

It is definitely a work in progress but I much prefer it here. For me, living in No Dependent Ville is a happier place to be but it is hard work every day. I need to make a conscious effort  to say no when it would be much easier to say yes. I need to put myself first above anyone else. I need to love myself enough to let people see the true 'warts and all' me and (try to) be completely 100% ok with that.

What I know about living in No Dependent Ville is that overall, I respect, value and honour myself more. It would be easy to revert back to that familiar, codependent place I know so well. But, I realise it is much easier on my heart in the long run to resist going there in order to obtain true happiness and above all, unconditional self love.

Love. It sounds simple. Four little letters, one little syllable. Giving love, receiving love, observing love, recognising love. It definately sounds simple enough. It's even used simply. You can love elephants, love a ($600!) pair of shoes, Iove eggplant drizzled in honey. It's simple enough to use love to describe how you feel about objects, experiences or even food for that matter. It's not so simple when we apply it to ourselves.

Self love. It's not so simple I've discovered. In fact, it's very complicated. The hardest love of all to achieve is the love we have for ourselves. Warts and all love, absolute love, love for the icky stuff, love for the shameful stuff, love for the shiny, joyous and happy stuff. Unconditional, no matter what love. 

For me, the road to self love has been a rocky one indeed. When we come into this life we are shiny and new. Completely unspoiled. We are loved unconditionally, no matter what. Over time, that love can become judgemental and tarnished. It can become conditional and hurtful.
This is the love that comes with a voice. That inner voice inside us that tells us we can't, that were not good enough, pretty enough, important enough.

The rockiest part in developing my self love has been the influence of my inner voice. It has berated me, guilted me, abused me, hurt me. It has called me names, isolated me. It has given me grief for the simple act of dropping a spoon. A spoon!

Thankfully, there came a time when a shift occurred. When amongst all the pain, grief and negativity a little seed was planted. A little seed I like to call the love seed. Little by little I watered the love seed with understanding. I fertilised it with kindness. I sunned it with warm hugs. And my love seed grew. And it grew. And grew.

And so a blog was born. This blog is dedicated to my love journey. The journey I have travelled and continue to travel. On this journey there have been some loving and joyous destinations. There have been destinations that have been cold and unwelcoming. The inhabitants and climates in these destinations have varied. Each one with their lessons to impart. This is my journey. A journey I wouldn't change and am so happy to travel. I am just as happy to be along for the ride. So I'm jumping in, I'm buckling my seatbelt and I'm continuing forward. First stop, Codependent Ville...population, me.